Because people, especially women socialized to set aside their own feelings in favor of not making waves or causing trouble or making a scene, look forward to the liberty often granted to older folks to say what they think with fewer social repercussions. When someone wants to get to know you better and grow an emotional connection, they will share personal details of their life with you. If you start lecturing a cashier or waitperson about this stuff, youre going to look like a pompous jerk, whether or not you are, in fact, right. What exactly is he/she telling you? This is not a workplace question. are all very common platitudes and informal means of polite address. Its much easier this way if you dont want to come out directly with your feelings. I dont get the snarkiness youre reading, I dont get the 0-to-100, and I think your response says more about you than the speaker. Mission accomplished, work went on as usual. Its very, very different for someone over the age of 90 to call anyone younger young than for someone younger than their conversation partner to use that term. How, when people are think they are being pleasant and complimentary toward me while doing their jobs, may I tell them that they are in fact being dismissive and irritating? That doesnt make you a martyr, it just makes you someone that the employee will talk shit about to their co-workers later. You CLEARLY dont need to show ID to prove you are above 21! None were to be found. About 21, 22. Maybe the kid heard his old manager use it with an old classmate, and copied inappropriately. Crap. It takes what should be an innocuous social interaction and makes it awkward and unpleasant to push back. Dating and married couples, and friends call each other this word. Im not talking making a big production or anything. Hm. Especially if you are in retail. Though honestly, I think its less being taken for younger than being taken for always junior because Im female. Why, especially, is I assume all feemayles are tender about their age and want to be seen as perpetually 20 so Im going to pretend you look younger than you actually do funny? She wasnt crude or bad just very behind the times. Working with someone who used the term and lost a customer because of it was what motivated me to want to give feedback. Someone in love remembers the little things such as birthdays, anniversaries, your cats birthday. can I keep my company truck to screw over my company, fired for a Halloween costume, and more, updates: boss wants to talk to my doctor, taking a job where the CEO is a dick, and more, interviewer asked how low I was willing to go on salary, will almost-floor-length hair hold me back professionally, and more, updates: I was promised summer hours but its frowned upon to use them, and more, updates: the birthday drama, the company swag that doesnt fit, and more, updates: the teenager who wanted to quit, the coworker pushing food, and more, update: I sent my boss a long, angry email but I turned out to be wrong, share your funniest office holiday stories, a drama-filled affair, coworker marks most of her emails as highly important, and more, updates: coworker refuses to share their screen, a nasty Glassdoor review with my title, and more, updates: Im the only one in the office, the fake alma mater, and more. Were both in the same boat, and it seems friendly. That good intent doesnt somehow make the recipient who says Not pregnant, just fat, thanks for noticing rude, even if it makes your day worse. Yes, in my area young lady is nearly exclusively used to address female children and elderly women. Whatever the situation, if your crush always seems to be around, they probably want to be closer with you. There is just no pleasing some people. Its obnoxious, and unnecessary. So if they are turned to talk to someone else, but their feet are pointed in your direction, then theres a good chance they have a crush on you. What does it mean when you sleep in the same bed but nothing happens? Pearl Nash One of the reasons your crush will call you boo is because theyre crushing on you too. (In some social circles, Hey, Stupid! is pretty ordinary, but retail is almost never one of them.). Yeah, the whole point is that they DONT think shes young. [Read:The quickest ways to know if your crush isnt into you]. Cruikshank is the author of Learning to Be Old, among other important books, and her first post tackles what she calls the " Young Lady Dance ." What's her response to being addressed as "young lady?" "Why are you calling attention to my age?" As Cruikshank points out, she has yet to be thanked for this excellent corrective. You is the polite form of you. If you use sir/maam, someone will object to it. Ive seen people say similar things, and invariably the other person then gets really uncomfortable and you can see them thinking, Oh no, is this person acknowledging theyre old? When you stiff a server, you make them pay to serve you. I remember hearing young lady a lot when I first started working. And while you probably cant please the outliers who want to be called Your Serene Highness, its reasonable to consider whether its important for you to stick to a pleasantry merely because youre used to it or whether its benefits outweigh its downside. Why did my crush call me ma'am? Although I didnt put it in my letter, I explained in an earlier comment that I first started thinking about this when a coworker got slapped down for saying it. I know it is also common and let it go. OK, but the thing about yall and folks is that theyre features of a stigmatized dialect. Im a middle-aged women who gets called miss and maam in equal measure. They might say, Oh! People assume they do this more than they actually do," he said. Paul Brian They are in danger of fines and/or losing their liquor license if they get caught selling to underage people. I think you and I would get along really well, OP. The (male) teacher was fresh out of college and took it personally. Ive had to correct a bunch of students this semester. What am I missing? But sometimes the underlying premise thats being reinforced is problematic, and when people start recognizing that issue, they push back on the language as a beginning to undo the socialization that made it seem good or okay. This in no way excuses the patronizing young lady thing. I dont think you are a competent employee. Im not a huge fan of when people call adult women girls in this type of way, but its also such a common service industry shtick that a lot of people respond positively to. So, if your crush calls you boo it could mean they like and admire you. Im 59! By all means, walk away from the table before placing your order, but dont make him do the work and rob him of his pay. I absolutely *hate* being called young lady and did even when I was one. None of tthe terms you listed are terms of pure endearment. Probably the overarching idea could be of general value to many people. She very much hated it, and finally one day responded, You know, only one man can call me Sweetie, and thats my grandpa. Replying to Roscoe, since no more nesting: my point is, we take the letter writer at her word. My mom started getting elderspeak from her colleagues, so she dyed her gray hair auburn, and it stopped. Justin Brown When my daughter referred to me as Mrs. Mylastname on her wedding invitations, I thought I had somehow missed a piece of her education. Boo is an endearment and is believed to originate from the French word beau and it was commonly used on a male admirer. Its more respectful than this girl will help you.. Yinz. Him calling you that doesn't mean anything specific, apart from indicating you are a member of his circle of trusted people. Do they remember the exact date when everyone went to the lake together? Or the salesperson might be berated by other customers or management for making a switch to maam or just you with no honorific. I was dealing with the financial side with it, and the salesman would. For women, though, theres miss and maam, and thats always seemed a little odd to me. I had so much grief from older customers when I worked in retail, and often it was unnecessary. Confused, matter of fact, and startling without taking too much thought. My habit, that I continue to try and break, was calling everyone hon, and thats because I grew up with friends from Baltimore who said it constantly. I get them as a man. pleasure of working with a man who called everyone young lady and young man indiscriminately. Until I said those words to him, he couldnt manage to remember to use my name. I dont think Ive ever heard someone call a grown man kiddo. Or people who get all snippy about the phrase no problem. Oh my god. Its just factual about a perception. I get it, she was just trying to do her job. He was about 65 and worked as a cashier for those getting cancer treatments. If they then come back with defensiveness or it was how they were raised, then the rest of your response is perfect, OP. @Totally Minnie thats how old I was when I learned that too! If a boss or coworker referred to me that way now, Id get really annoyed really quickly. Im all for evolving and treating people as human beings. Yeah, technically its short for Madam(e), which is used for married women Mademoiselle is miss/unmarried/young. Okay maybe you shouldnt use that one. Just like everything you have posted is your opinion. It should only be used in the UK for someone for whom it is the appropriate aristocratic term of address, and even there, it might be pushing it to use it in 2019. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. Next time you get young lady from someone where young isnt even relatively accurate, tilt your head towards them sympathetically and say Im sure you didnt mean anything by it, but I think some people might think you were being sarcastic. (Im guessing most of these salespeople arent saying young lady in a were all friends joshing around tone of voice.). The fact that people may get upset when they misunderstand a situation doesnt mean that there are some basic considerations that customer service people would do well to consider. This is the age equivalent of saying You chose wine like a man! as a complimentit assumes a problem with the category people are actually in. You usually got called young lady because: They just assume whoever didnt leave one was a jerk. Why would I want to hear something so stupid? The best thing you can do is connect with your eyes two, three, four times. That felt overly familiar and patronizing. Excuse me! as they were walking away/on the phone etc would magically hear you if there was a young lady or a maam tacked on there especially if it was a woman in her 60s being young-ladyed, or a woman in her 20s being maam-ed. Eh, Im not proud of that last one but no ones always on their best behavior. We dont have a non-gendered honored customer term for that. That will be 2.00 please at older women customers. Dont get me wrong, no doubt your guy loves your strength and abilities to be independent. I am from the south I call everyone maam! Since this is all happening over the phone, I know that they cant be making these comments based on my appearance, but rather the way my voice sounds. Im from up north so its definitely not a regional thing here either. Young lady isnt so bad, imo. This comes across to me as saying, Awww, lets make the old lady feel better by calling her young so shell feel pretty again. Ugh, no thanks. If its someone I have to work with frequently, either work or in a place I routinely went, I might stop and have a conversation. Think about it, when you like someone, you try to touch them. If I am clearly over 45, and you call me young lady, you just told me that you noticed Im old. (Id think that calling someone over the age of 20 miss is a bit like this young lady thing.). The offender may not have ill intent, but yeah it absolutely should be a learning opportunity. I used to call my crush "Madame", I thought it was cute to address her that way. Maam simply means grownup woman. Is it ageism to recognize that someone is a grownup? LOL! My son is on the spectrum, and at that point in his life, used dude to address everyone: men, women, children, babies, dogs, cats Which of course does not excuse him. I usually do the squinty eye you are an idiot look, and move on. This isnt rocket science. Only people who want to control other peoples lives claim that. Young lady is not, and never has been a form of polite address, formal or informal. Im not adopting it for the hell of it, Im adopting it because my first language has a gender-neutral word that means all of you but not me but English doesnt, and I dont like using you guys., I suppose northerners could use the Philadelphian yins., Pittsburgh. A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. Ive worked retail and I know the hell that it is. To be honest, as a former retail employee, I would smile and nod through all of this and wonder why are you making that my problem? and not change a single thing. Now, for the ids when checking them out, I very well may have jokingly asked for their ids. Unfortunately, the US system of wages for waiters and other tipped workers doesnt allow for tips to truly be treated as extras. They are wages and when the worker performs work, they should be paid accordingly. Did you enjoy the meal? Im going to push back on this a little. Yes. Youve asked them to hang out a couple of times, but they always seem busy. I dont think this is a joke at their expense. That said, I never referred to anyone with an age term like that. Really, there is no winning when you work retail. Some were polite corrections and some were rude, but I guess it is understandable since they felt offended. In general, most people in customer facing jobs are grasping at a way to be respect to customer without offending them. Right. I dont get doing this to be polite. But theres one crucial ingredient to relationship success I think many women overlook: Understanding what their guy is thinking at a deep level. If someone referred to me as young lady, I might be slightly irked but I really do not have the bandwidth to make it a Teachable Moment, and I think Im pretty good at telling when someone is attempting to be polite versus actually being condescending. But its long! Its incredibly disrespectful. If this personneverlikes your posts, watches your stories, or comments on your photos, theyre not interested. Thank you. I do expect someone to wait on me when I walk into a store. The former to elevate them from childhood to ladyhood in a whimsical way, and the latter as an obvious joking flattery. Its one example of systemic ageism and sexism that sometimes gets taken for granted but has tangible impact on peoples lives and well-being. There are two things that could happen, both of which are good things: Remember you are an incredible and unique human being. @ Roscoe and others While I would never use young lady or young man to refer to someone, and I agree with the OPs sentiments, I also agree with Roscoe in that retail and food service workers do have to deal with So. What our feet do is the one thing we dont consciously control, so its an excellent sign that they like you. [Read:How to talk to your crush and make them fall for you]. If you find that you are always the one who has to initiate contact with your crush, then that is a telling sign that they dont like you back. ! Because of course, why else would a woman change her name but because she finally found a man to marry her! He learned something new that day, lol. Yes, its intertwined with sexism here, but its a thing in its own right, and Im always a little bemused at how much slack it gets cut. And the OP didnt say or imply that any ill-will was meant, which is great because indeed it probably wasnt. The fact is that while tips are wages for the purpose of taxes, places like restaurants explicitly avoid putting that information out. This seems to me like a pick your battles sort of thing. To be clear, I fully agree with Alison that not everything needs to be a learning experience every time I just think some commenters here are losing sight of that. Sigh. Whenever my husband and I would go out he would get sir and I would get young lady even though were the same age. And clearly there is plenty of interest in it, judging by this comment section. Same with my first language. You meet someone, get to know them and pretty soon find yourself liking them. The more you know! (Also, Fine, callow youth, could you tell me where the anti-aging pills are? is officially the best thing Ive seen all week, and I think every AAM reader over 40 should adopt it immediately. Thats taking things awfully personally. Its only a compliment if you accept the premise that being younger is better, or that looking younger is better. What you have to say doesnt matter if how you say it makes you sound looney. If its a kid, sure. You could phrase your questions this way: If you like the endearment, you can encourage them to keep calling you that. Its what a parent calls you when you are a child who has done something wrong. I would add that having a nuanced understanding of what is gendered, what has sexist roots, etc., often tracks with education and social class. Servers pay taxes on assumed income, with the assumption based on their sales. Also, I think in the situation OP is talking about, theyre not actually mistaking her for a young lady, theyre calling her young lady as afacetious compliment? Right? Yeah, it works for the reverse of OPs situation too! Its tired. Ive been voting for nearly three decades. Though given the situation I might at some point respond that I really hope Ill live to be an old lady. So when you actually were a young lady? I saw red. A handy guide for when its ok to address someone as young lady: You are her parent and shes in big, BIG trouble, young lady! That being said, the OP was chastising someone she supervises, which is absolutely her prerogative and Im with her on the over-the-top obnoxiousness of young lady., This. If you use young man/young woman, you run into this post. Just let me know! Oh man. Given that I routinely look anywhere from 10-15 years younger than I actually am, I probably will not get this comment until Im about to drop dead. I think you could also say, I know you mean well, but I find it very awkward when people call me young lady. That way you acknowledge right up front that theyre not doing it to insult you and hopefully cause them to consider that youre probably not the only one who feels this way. Actually, I think they would. In retail, maam and sir mean Youre the customer, and my boss will yell at me if Im not polite to you, and this is how I was trained. And nothing more. The crush might even last for years. I'm super cheese, like cheese enchiladas with cheede sauce and a side of queso cheese lmao. Because they used a term you didnt like, which isnt inherently offensive, doesnt rise to that level. PS Shes also the person who modeled radical kindness for me. If someone says I prefer to be called X calling them anything other than X is just being shitty and mean. However, I also dont think its appropriate. So if they seem normal or even indifferent around you thats a good sign they dont like you. But theres at least as much chance that youll just be written off as grouchy old curmudgeon (an identity I look forward to, personally). No. But that doesnt mean your reaction is FAIR. (Been going there for weekly for 15 years kind of regular.) This time my message was on delivered for 6 days. And it is also what gives depth to our relationships. From someone younger? I prefer to avoid being the sort of customer that the cashier tells stories about in the lunchroom. Ironically, older women have much more disposable income than younger ones. See, Id say when people refuse toi consider the opposite in such a little thing, when they insist on the rightness (or the why should i have to change? Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. See my second comment above. One time I was shopping with my teenage son for a new phone to upgrade the one he had. Your crush can call you boo for several reasons. They couldve used their words and said please dont refer to us that way. Everything doesnt have to be a learning experience. It would be like me writing in to ask how to get the people at starbucks to stop spelling my name wrong on my cup. Today I went to a store where someone who was in his 20s or 30s looked at me and said, How can I help you, young lady?. pronounced yuns. Elided from you ones.. And if youve been sick for a few days and absent, they wont even notice. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. They may brush up against you when passing or touch your leg with their leg when seated at a table. Not your hon, and youre handling MY money and looking at MY bank account, so please just smile and be polite without calling me pet names. A lot of things are common and participated in by the people involved, and still problematic. This is one of those things that, to me, is just getting upset at people for no reason. Bit young to be referred to as an old grandfather. For context, Im a 28 year-old woman in the south, and its pretty common to be called things like young lady, hun, and sweetie. He was modeling his behavior on his dad and uncles, who routinely referred to older women as young (including their spouses). When someone likes you, they want to knoweverythingyoure doing and who youre hanging out with. Mr. Cajun said Some people would take it as the joke it was intended and Im saying that jokes (which this situation wasnt) at someones expense arent jokes at all. But kiddo or other jocular lets pretend youre not an adult is, excuse the phrase, getting really old. Much. I got Hon the other day from a woman at the bank drive-up window. They may be trying to get you to talk to them and so may act playfully with such terms. But why comment on my age or hair or anything else? Language evolves, and for a lot of people guys just means any group of humans, even if it didnt in the past. Plus the bars/restaurants are subject to random sting operations. Its a denotation vs connotation issue. Its not inherently disrespectful. He is now older than me. I dont think we will ever agree on a term that will be unoffensive to everyone. I sometimes squick internally at being called maam (Im 34) but Id straight up bust a fuse at young lady!!! I have a stock reply when I get called young lady which at 64 I do, a bit. I said No that is disrespectful and you need to stop I was fully prepared to go to HR if it continued after that but luckily a raised eyebrow if he started saying it after that stopped it entirely. If that someone else is being rude, intentionally or not, its not bullying to respond in kind. Its not innocuous. (Im a 90s kid, so this impression mostly comes from TV.). Plenty of people who wouldnt be offended by it, but none who actually prefer it. The solution is to either not use anything How can I help you? or, if yo umust have SOMETHING, use a neutral word such as Ms. ie How can I help you Ms.. Intent matters, but it doesnt render immunity. Its better than young lady combined with checking out (and possibly commenting on) my backside. Well then, politely correct them. :(. I never complain to store management because as far as I can tell, this is a learned behavior, usually from family or observation, and not a shtick that stores train employees to use. We were often raised to a certain set of standards and disciplines that become outdated or worse, found to be rooted in sexist or other bigotry practices. Youd get filed with Dude who thinks its acceptable to tell me I dont have a job in my field because of my gender and tried to solicit me, Dude whose normal volume is SCREAMING LIKE ITS A MOTLEY CRUE CONCERT IN 1986 and Old lady who constantly changes her mind and is patronising as anything. I wouldnt trust a guy who used Milady in any kind of small-talk setting either. Why have I published questions about vampires or letters that are more about relationship problems than work? Great point here and I think the best from this whole forum (can you tell I worked in retail?). Would you have the same reaction to someone being called maam, buddy, sir, miss? No, a customer should not get snippy, but a server should not be saying it. Liked what you just read? We all may be offending people even with comment such as, They wouldnt dare to speak to a man like that. "If you stay in the conversation the whole time, you might not know if [the person] is interested or being polite," Hussey said. A great way to check out their posture is when they walk past you. When I was working at Fancy Makeup Store With A Black And White Theme, we would get the opposite a lot of women would come in and ask for my help with their skin because they looked ancient, even though they were only in their 40s or 30s. To me, both OPs response in the moment and Alisons suggestion seem antagonistic. It could be an age difference, personality type, power difference *like at work*, or a timing issue. Person by person, well educate the world! Its just an instinctual response for many. I still stand by my opinion to not insist on correcting other peoples weird but harmless behavior. Not everyone will see it as gender neutral. My mom is older than that and she might roll her eyes if shes in a bad mood and someone young ladys her as a customer, but otherwise she doesnt care. He also tried giving me a nickname. Unless you mean all yall. If anyone says that to a group you are in, steel yourself. If your crush calls you boo and youre bold enough, dare the dare and let them know theyre your crush. How to give gentle but appropriate feedback on a work strategy that isnt working, without disrespecting the worker? I must really be a regional thing. But when I get emails from distant coworkers addressed to Ms. (or Mrs.) M, I generally reply with and please feel free to call me Janet. Thats not the same sort of thing as Mrs. Honestly, service and retail workers are just doing their best- give them a break. It is when the woman youre calling young lady is old enough to be your mother or grandmother. Maybe they do not identify that way even if they look like that. It highlights the ridiculousness. (devils advocate mode) well, maybe when said to a 13-year-old, it would be polite. I wasnt trying to excuse the OPs situation with this story, but as others are discussing about how the alternative greetings (i.e. Please dont shout at service staff. but the way most people say someones age is 80 years old. I guess Grandpa thought he was younger than themand mentally, he may have been. The advice is you dont need to create a learning moment every time, but when you do want to, it might be better to say X than Y.. I dont and I would be very surprised if any store actually did require this usage. Politely explaining to someone why you would prefer not to be called something is the opposite of being a jerk. My question is was at what point does rudeness rise to the point where its ok not to tip. The brutal truth is that not everyone is going to like you back. People crumbled in her presenceI think it was the Scarlett OHara brows. I feel like its one thing to make a lighthearted reference to how you are not young in response to that (much like many others are suggesting), but the tone of what the OP typed above came across really lecture-y. You can make it a lot easier for them to express themselves if you take steps like hugging them or offering a kiss when you see them. Time for my old story about the airplane trip where I was on my way to a conference at age 25 or so (so 50 years ago). Yeah, young lady is NOT and will never be the *antidote* to Maam. This is a thing. Given that its also often intentionally denigrating in *normal usage* (ie meant to highlight the persons lower status / lack of knowledge, experience and / or authority) its pretty dismissive to tell people that they shouldnt speak up. The most common reason a guy's good friends poke fun at each other is because of a crush. Hi, are you finding what you need? I think it is super gross to call an adult woman young lady, and have gotten deeply upset myself when called things like this. I dont really expect men who call me maam to kneel. For 21, I look terrible. I would also add, It just underlines the fact that they -really- think Im old. He was upset by this criticism and insisted he was only being polite and saying what he had been raised to say. Youre being paid $10/hr to be screamed at all day while standing 8+ hours on a concrete floor and lugging 50-pound boxes from the stock room. If I felt the need to educate someone about how they said something when they are saying it in what I presume to be a good-natured way, with no ill-will Id try to find a gentler way of doing it (especially when it comes to talking to people who already have to put up with a lot of grief from people). The ladies in her novels are often such spectacular people and I love it. They might congratulate you, but they wont be very enthusiastic about it. I moved to the South when I was 12 and had to train myself to use sir and maam it was fully expected in my church and in any customer facing job. They cant seem to keep track of the things that are important to you. It gives you a chance to be honest with the person you have a crush on, and they also get the chance to admit it back to you. As on a lot of AAM scenarios, the LW is very frustrated. Otherwise, its more complicated than that. When I learned Arabic in Egypt, I was taught to respectfully call an elderly man Yahajji to indicate that I presume he had lived long enough (and been rich enough?) You said there are parts of the US where people talk like this. *I* wish the people at the place I take my car would stop calling me a guest. Being a loyal customer or client would suit me fine, but if Im a guest why did you just charge me $800 to sit in your lobby for 5 hours? I was a married woman with my own last name long before it was common and so got a front row seat on womans place.. Hussey noted that someone will laugh more loudly, smile more widely, and be more generally enthusiastic if they're interested in you. I am 30. Its ingratiating and insulting at the same time and immediately makes me think the deliverer of this line is sexist, ageist, and a narcissist. And theres something almost mildly flirtatious about it? Because when someone likes you and has a good rapport with you, then subconsciously they start to act like them. Im 35 years old, I look every painful minute of it, and I cant stand the sneaky smile and the can I see some ID please? that I get when Im buying alcohol. Ask them. Goodness, I hope you stretched before that leap. It would certainly get my attention. My Boyfriend Saved a Picture of Another Girl on His Phone: What Does This Mean? In some cases, it may also be used to indicate that the speaker perceives you as being younger than you actually are. When it comes to body language, eye contact is a huge indicator of someones feelings for you. I guess what Im confused about, is if someone wants to compliment someone, there are much less potentially fraught ways of doing it. There is a definite power dynamic in play, and this is one of the very few times I think its appropriate to tell someone to check their privilege. I also hate when waiters tell me their first name, it is too friendly and casual for me. This is the whole reason we started using Ms, guys! Kathy Bates after intentionally smashing into the car of an arrogant younger woman who took her parking space. And if your intent is good, then you should really *want* to know that your words arent having the intended effect. I love this. Well, take a deep sigh of relief. The rest of us wont miss you. In general, whatever a culture/region/2 people agree among themselves is okay, is okay. Because they have a rough job and sometimes its easier to not expend the energy. There was a retail worker (older than I) who called me baby girl the other day (Im 25). I also think something like Well hey now, Ive earned these wrinkles! said cheerfully can also be disarming but still get the point across. I put up with young lady from people who are clearly and considerably older than me, but I cant imagine my reaction if someone obviously younger than me tried it. You have to pick your battles. (I had a good laugh about it with my trainer.) When I lived on the West Coast there were some people who got their panties in a twist over it. And hes dead., Im 66. If someone likes you, theyll be focused on every word you say. I have no problem using my husbands last name socially either with my first name or Mr & Mrs with his first name and Mr His Name and Ms My Name is correct , so its like my daughter picked the only possibility thats actually incorrect. Young fella is a much better equivalent. Also is this gendered? Wait until youre 60 and see if you still have the same reaction. Yep. Doesnt make it so. Any waiter. This make some nuts, and it seems to be happening more recently like the memo went out that middle-aged women all want to be called young lady, and will giggle and blush at the reference. Exceptions can be made when someone is being deliberately insulting or persists in making the same mistake, but in this case, Id just say, Please, call me maam (or whatever term youd like to hear). If Its on a few occasions, then its likely they trust and feel connected to you as a friend. Part of the reason young lady is so offensive to grown women is that it is a term of address used for teenagers. No. "One of the greatest things you can do is to simply reciprocate with eye contact. No assumption that being male is the default. 2022 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, 30 sneaky ways to tell if someone likes you without asking them, 14 signs of attention-seeking behavior that masks their insecurity, The quickest ways to know if your crush isnt into you, How to talk to your crush and make them fall for you, How to tell if your crush has friend-zoned you or is interested, 15 subtle signs that reveal if your crush likes you back too, 13 subtle but very flirty eye contact tips to catch anyones eye from afar, How to stop texting someone when thats all you want to do, How to decode the texting behavior of guys when theyre into you, How to tell if a girl doesnt like you 25 signs shes rejected you already, Why wont he ask me out? Embrace it. The few times Ive been called Miss, it seemed rude. I totally agree, Quake Johnson, this letter seems like it would be much better suited to Dear Prudence or Captain Awkward. Because I might hurt their feelings. So we also ask people to be gentle and not assume malice in an environment that were trying to make as inclusive as possible. Yep, and a lot of retail workers cant even use Ms./Mr. After thinking a bit, I emailed him and canceled the appointment, telling him that he made me particularly uncomfortable by insisting on repeatedly referring to me by a title I told him I did not want to be called. Whether its polite or not, getting *that* upset over it is more about you than the person calling you that. So if you see yourself in their actions, then their feelings could be for real. It was no surprise when the incidences of stalkers went up, but that wasnt enough to sway the big wigs in HQ that convinced them to squash that brilliant ideait was the sudden flood of customer calls displease by having their personal spaces violated. I really dont know how youre getting that OP was super pissed I think we can take her at her word that she used calm, measured language and tone. Its getting a woman that the best way to flatter her is call her young. Its definitely sexist. But that is not what the post is about. I know I would. Honestly, for service staff theres no winning. Young lady is rooted in being used to chastise and degrade women. First of all, not that it matters, Im not married. By which time it will hopefully have been phased out of existence. Dont take it personally. They arent getting paid to learn, or to be taught a lesson by someone who thinks they KNOW better, when in reality its just their preference. I got called young lady last night at Trader Joes, then she asked for my ID for the bottle of wine. It was infuriating. After all, the nerves hit because you want to make a good impression for them to like you. You look GREAT for 90 though!, Not sure if this is a UK regional difference, but as a cinema usher I was trained to use sir and maam and had customers: I usually dont bother if its a onetime interaction, only if its someone Ill be working with or seeing at least periodically. So if your crush starts acting a bit weird and doesnt want you being with people who could steal you away from them, dont worry, your crush is probably getting jealous and that is an obvious sign that they like you and they want to keep your attention. Again, I do agree that a 20-something year old, calling a 60 something year old a young lady is more than a bit overboard. Unfortunately, this can be true; however, it doesnt excuse younger employees from flinging So. I am not sure what word we would use. Its on the How to comment page. As the social rules change (and many certainly should), customer service employees have to try to guess what they should say and will, invariably, piss someone off just by trying to be polite. But if youre treated just like everyone else, it looks like youre just a friend. When 20 year old students call me by my first name, I dont like it, but I also know that they dont mean it as a sign of disrespect. It also happens if someone you like gives you the attention and you cant help but get a pink tinge on your face from embarrassment. Im a grown person. I dont think this is practical for most retail, where interactions are so brief and numerous. I know Im not old, but I havent thought of myself as a ~young lady~ for quite some time and its just so silly to me. Your crush may have asked a friend of yours, stalked your social media accounts, or theyve been crushing on you long before you even realized that youre crushing on them. If its someone you will likely never see again, why bother making their day worse to make yourself feel better because you educated people? You spend half your time wondering if that person actually likes you (I mean, they kind of made eye contact with you the other day) and the other half wondering if you had played it sufficiently cool around them. You couldve said something. Of course, they could like you while dating someone else, but if its paired with these other signs, then thats probably not the case. Is there better wording I could use? Really?). I cant speak for Audrey Puffins, but I can speak for my 15 years as a server and bartender to say: yes, yes a person probably can tell. ) What you see as friendly, others may see as too familiar. I really wish the commentariat would save its outrage for *intentional* sexism by adults who know better, rather than pile on some kid who thought he was being polite. Parents usually teach their kids to call adults sir/maam or Mr./Mrs. Not tipping a waiter because he addressed your party as girls? But I dont like the implication rampant in this thread that it is somehow rude to correct people for being offensive because they didnt mean it!. If they get insistent I tell the guy always a guy- that no one younger than my father gets to call me that. Click here to get $50 off your first session (exclusive offer for Hack Spirit readers). The first time someone younger than I am calls me young lady you can bet Im going to be wondering if that also means I get to retire soon. It makes me feel like they are looking at me and seeing a child. Its an odd letter to run when surely there is a large backlog of questions in the inbox. Thanks! And honestly, this idea that youre doing a service by pointing out whats wrong/your specific issue with what theyre saying is totally bonkers to me. Based on more decades of experience in retail that Id care to count, more women in their 60s find it a cute, if not terribly effective, attempt at being friendly, than offensive. Hi, Im Jason, is there anything I can get for you, or do you prefer to browse a while? Something that is crucial to a loving, long term relationship. I live in a culture that respects the aged and you can still be rude about peoples ages or polite as a customer service rep. Because the point isnt is it better to be older/younger? its when is it OK to correct people serving us?. Most people I know who work retail are happy to see troublesome customers go to another store, just so they dont have to deal with them anymore, and the vast majority of people who say this in the restaurant business are usually back the next week with the same complaint and empty threat. Or did you decide for him that he was being deliberately sexist and cut into his livelihood? What do I say now? And keep in mind that if they are staring at you and lifting their eyebrow while looking at your face, then they have genuine feelings for you. Person keeps doing it, then you can have an issue. Your crush may call you boo to see how youll react. And thats putting it nicely. All of that is complete nonsense when you work with the public at large. It could literally be anything under the sun. Ive worked with the public at large my entire adult life, and thats not my experience. Calling out a 20-something cashier is not going to do much other than embarrass him and make him worry that hell get in trouble, not to mention make YOU look like the jerk. All you can do is play the odds, and hope your manager has your back when some whackjob tries to get you fired because you can count money and refused to let them scam you on change. If someone said excuse me, miz, can I help you rather than excuse me, miss, can I help you Im sure itd be ok. (Unless youre the grammar police from the other day.). Ive noticed that the replies have been vehement. For a man, feeling essential to a woman is often what separates like from love. Its not great, it definitely highlights a larger societal problem, but if its just the guy at the store I stopped in for something quick, I dont have the energy for that battle, and hes likely not going to hear it. Here is another big one of the big signs that your crush doesnt like you over text. Even if youre right. And they run the risk of offending someone else by not doing the thing that bothers you. And if the intent is to reinforce something else, but youre accidentally reinforcing the problematic thing by doing it this way then this way has got to be adjusted to fulfill the actual intent, the premise that IS worth continuing to support and advocate for. Being called young lady is definitely sexist and ageist, but expecting an old grandfather who has used this phrase for most of his life is unreasonable. Why cant we just talk to one another, human to human, without bringing age, or perceived age, into it? Proximity has a lot to do with it but if someone is funny, we see them in a different way. STOP IT. There are certain grocery store chains whose idea generators have incredibly warped views regarding acceptable forms of customer engagement. Or vice-versa (a head of short hair turns around and she has breasts and/or lipstick). Im a 30-year-old northeasterner, and while I find this mildly patronizing from people 20+ years older than me, I certainly wouldnt complain about it or let it sour the interaction. I rudely educate staff and patrons on why what they are doing is offensive, like when people seat themselves at a restaurant. But if you choose to politely express that you dont like it every time? You can fight the man without making the young person earning $8.50/hr at Target feel invisible and small. If they tack a young lady onto the end of the question, then sure, they are thinking you will be flattered. I have gotten the young lady line from people my age and younger people, and the only time I grinned and bore it was when it came from the guy at the farmers market who looked to be in his 80s or 90s to him, I _was_ young! He did not get a tip. But its NOT offensive to everyone. accept. It may be playful, but who knows, your crush may begin to develop a crush too and who says it cant be you? When dealing with the public, there is literally *nothing* you can say that wont offend *someone*. You can also respectfully say Janet, with the silver hair, can help and it wouldnt be an insult in any way to Janet. And I wouldnt take this from someone older than I am either. This is someone off-hand calling someone young lady. And honestly? Go for it! Do you actually know any store that requires this? Yeah, its funny that its coming from the same people whod set their hair on fire if they had to hear That means its free! one more time. I think especially maam as southern and especially and degradingly deferential on the part of the person using it. Theres no harm in not making the comments, so why would you risk making people uncomfortable? Dozing myself on my age. If she was asking how to deal with a coworker doing this is would be different. He was given some relevant information in a very polite way, by a person who wants him to succeed in his future endeavors. I know people who tend to refer too all females, from infants to a hundred, as young lady, too. I can tell when youre asking because youre genuinely uncertain vs when youre asking because you imagine it might flatter me, and the latter is annoying as hell. I do think older people have a more difficult experience due to just this sort of thing. It doesnt say anything about anyones values (in some cultures considering someones age before their individuality would be respectful and theres no comment on this). "The person we feel most nervous with is the person who we avoid direct communication with. Yes. This is so uncomfortable. which of course is the original problem, that they think theres something wrong or hush-hush about being old. If I were a store manager, shed be on a list, and Id try to prevent my staff from interacting with her. Miss Manners defined a Young Lady as a female child who has just done something dreadful. Ive also been asked for ID because its the establishments policy to card everyone regardless of how old/young they look. Anyone else? When someone is truly listening and interesting in what youre saying, theyre naturally moving closer and lean in. Whenever I get referred to as young lady or sweetheart, I try to keep in mind that they probably refer to lots of people this way, not just myself. Maybe its different with younger people, but Ive never known anyone who both kept her name and wanted to be referred to as Mrs. They can dig in their heels and say I AM BEING POLITE! or, they can accept that the standards of politeness have evolved over time and the thing they originally thought was polite may not be anymore, and they can do some introspection on that topic. Ive just started saying: Maam. 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